The first step to running a successful business, is printing out pictures of all the luxury items you’re going to buy once you get rich.

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I’m a thief, because I stole her heart. That’s so cheesy that I had to end it with nachos.

Jarod Kintz

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There’s a new wine I want to try. I heard about it through the grapevine.

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The only thing better than being productive, is being reproductive.


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I’m not flat broke. I’m a little hilly.

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I'm all about safe fruit. After I peel a banana, I roll on a condom.

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While you weren't looking, I flicked a booger in your soup. Just my way of saying thanks for dinner.

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I do every other every other. That’s how thoroughly unthorough I am.

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Having kids and making kids are two different hobbies. I don’t have any children, but I do have lots of sex. It is an expensive hobby, but well worth the money I spend on it.

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I am a duck. I’m cool and calm on the surface, but underneath it all is a nonstop struggle to succeed. My feet are like orange spatulas.

Jarod Kintz

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