Whole trees are good fishing nets. I fish like I farm.

Jarod Kintz

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The site of her warmed my heart, like a mitten over my penis. 
Can you please pass me the empty handshakes?

Jarod Kintz

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I wear a mustache, both as a disguise—and as a cooter tickler.

Jarod Kintz

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I wear my shirts inside out, because I’m an introvert.

Jarod Kintz

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I was raised in a fishing village in the middle of the desert. I sold hellos and goodbyes just to get by.

Jarod Kintz

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There are pockets of wealth in this country. Mostly those pockets are in the politicians’ pants.

Jarod Kintz

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I have a good ear for music, just like Van Gogh had a good ear for art.

Jarod Kintz

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People are trying to kill people. Well, those people need to die.

Jarod Kintz

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I sing into burritos like they're microphones. If you want my autograph, you’re going to have to wait until the end of the concert.

Jarod Kintz

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There’s a mime convention this weekend, so things should be pretty quiet around town. It’s possible that your pubic hair makes me sneeze.

Jarod Kintz

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