How do two retards eat a turd sandwich? Well, not by first wiping their ass with wheat bread like I showed them.

Jarod Kintz


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I look like a million bucks, but I feel like shit. Thanks, inflation!

Jarod Kintz


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The crowd was patriotic, and they were chanting “USA, USA.” Of course, the crowd was also dyslexic out at the state university of Arizona, so it came out, “ASU, ASU.

Jarod Kintz


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A blowjob is the only employment I can get. At least in a bathroom stall.

Jarod Kintz


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I wish there were a way to see through walls. Oh yeah, there is—windows.


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It was 7 AM, so what else could I say but, “Have a great night.” Plus, he was as blind as Helen Keller was deaf, so to him day was night.

Jarod Kintz


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My definition of dictionary can’t be found in the dictionary. Dictionary—A linguistic prison, confining words to well-defined cells, with little chance of parole.

Jarod Kintz


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I didn't have romantic feelings for her, but my penis did. So what else could I do but obey the Master?

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To get him to agree, I put a gun to his head. To get him to not change his mind, I blew out his brains.

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My name is heroic. You just have to rearrange all the letters, and possibly replace a few.

Jarod Kintz


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