When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

Steven Wright

Mots clés humor



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I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

Steven Wright

Mots clés humor



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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Steven Wright


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When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

Steven Wright


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I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Steven Wright

Mots clés humor self-improvement



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I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

Steven Wright

Mots clés humor infinity



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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Steven Wright

Mots clés procrastination



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Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?

Steven Wright

Mots clés humor



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I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.

Steven Wright


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Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.

Steven Wright

Mots clés humor mind venus



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