When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
Steven WrightMots clés humor
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.
Steven WrightMots clés humor
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Steven WrightWhen I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Steven WrightI went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Steven WrightMots clés humor self-improvement
I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
Steven WrightPlan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Steven WrightMots clés procrastination
Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Steven WrightMots clés humor
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
Steven WrightSorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.
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