When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
Steven WrightTags: humor
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.
Steven WrightTags: humor
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Steven WrightWhen I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
Steven WrightI went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Steven WrightTags: humor self-improvement
I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
Steven WrightPlan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Steven WrightTags: procrastination
Why are there five syllables in the word “monosyllabic”?
Steven WrightTags: humor
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
Steven WrightSorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.
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