The crickets sounded like maybe in the trees. They were pretty loud to be so unsure of themselves.

Jarod Kintz


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I’d rather fail to try than try and fail. But, then, I am a coward who votes with my wallet, which is always empty.

Jarod Kintz


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I want to do something so hard so easily, and I want to do it with no hands. Only gloves. Love will fill the void.

Jarod Kintz


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What does it matter if you can speak two or more languages if you have nothing original to say in any language?

Jarod Kintz


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I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.

Jarod Kintz


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I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.

Jarod Kintz


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I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.

Jarod Kintz


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I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that "new car smell" all the time.

Jarod Kintz


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To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.

Jarod Kintz


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I gave my girlfriend a gallon of my semen and a minivan and told her to fill it up with kids. Big mistake! I should have given her a bus.

Jarod Kintz


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