Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah.

Craig Ferguson

Tags: jesus nobel-prize sacrilege obama



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You better watch out.
You better not cry.
You better not pout,
I'm telling you why,
Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.

Craig Ferguson

Tags: violence santa



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I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!

Craig Ferguson

Tags: free confused troubled



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Twas the night before Thanksgiving.
All the food's in the oven.
And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

Craig Ferguson

Tags: poetry food poem thanksgiving masturbation



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The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.

Craig Ferguson

Tags: disclaimer contradictory



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I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

Craig Ferguson

Tags: double-entendre



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It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.

Craig Ferguson

Tags: sex canada canadians mate



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Well, everyone, welcome to Shark Week. Oh that's on CBS and there's been a lot of cutbacks, so it's just Friday night for a couple of minutes. And we don't have any sharks, just an immigrant with a puppet. Hey, but it's a start!

Craig Ferguson


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It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

Craig Ferguson

Tags: fear



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....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.

Craig Ferguson


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