Don’t kiss in public, unless it’s midnight and you’re both wearing black so nobody can see you’re naked.


Jarod Kintz


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I don’t have any upper body strength, but that matches up perfectly with my lack of lower body strength.

Jarod Kintz


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I’m dropping by. I may hit a few red lights, so I’ll be there in thirteen hours.

Jarod Kintz


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What are you doing Saturday or Sunday? I’m free this weekend. But come Monday I go back to being a slave.

Jarod Kintz


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He’s a monk, the fifth of his kind. I call him Monk E, and he is a primate.

Jarod Kintz


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I got fleeced once, by a sweater—a fleece, if you will. And won’t you? Please do.

Jarod Kintz


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My name is a half an hour early, but my body is on time.

Jarod Kintz


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I eat bar soap raw, because if you try cooking it, it disappears. The soap turns into soup.

Jarod Kintz


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I’ve found the safest place to store my valuables is in a trash sack. Unless I invite a bunch of hobos over one night, who’s going to rummage through rubbish?

Jarod Kintz


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The police seemed to think I killed her, which is crazy, because I loved her like a thousand drops of blood dripping down a dagger.

Jarod Kintz


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