I drink special water, because not all water is equal. Some water is smarter and taller and more handsome than other water.

Jarod Kintz


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Writing is hard, but I don’t want to kill myself trying to write. Not unless I’m writing a suicide note.

Jarod Kintz


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My goal is to have the most and the best of what I desire. And since I desire clones, I have to be the best me first.

Jarod Kintz


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My drug of choice is love. Sure, I’ve tried other drugs, but no other drug gets both the dealer and user high from every transaction.

Jarod Kintz


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Grab life by the tail, and then pet it.

Jarod Kintz


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I’ll gyrate my hips at irate guests to generate income for the generations.

Jarod Kintz


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I haven’t the faintest idea how babies are born, probably because I fainted on the day I was born.

Jarod Kintz


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Everything east of the Mississippi is west of the Mississippi, if you just keep going.

Jarod Kintz


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I’ve only been with my girlfriend for three days, but it feels like a lifetime—the lifetime of a gnat.

Jarod Kintz


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People don’t know what I’ve gone through to get where I’m at—six tunnels and three metal detectors.

Jarod Kintz


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