When I go to the bar, I never drink much. And to do that I avoid conversations, as silence reduces saliva and swallowing, which is drinking.
Jarod KintzWomen want me, and men want to be me. And by me I mean Ryan Gosling.
Jarod KintzPound-for-pound, I’m the best non-fighter in the world. I could kick Gandhi’s ass.
Jarod KintzJust don’t stand around and say, “Just don’t stand around.” That’s my job, and there can’t be two people circle working.
Jarod KintzI’m divorced, in debt, and I can’t grow sideburns. Sometimes I get depressed, but then I think, It’s OK—I can still grow a mustache.
Jarod KintzWho needs a large vocabulary when you can just make up any word at any time? It makes life a whole lot more emeaglibop.
Jarod KintzI just took a shit that smelled like a dentist’s office. Open your mouth.
Jarod KintzJack Black and Betty White should couple and produce Earl Grey. I could go for a cup of tea.
Jarod KintzIf you have one dollar and I have a hundred dollars, I could say I have a hundred times the amount of money you do. And while that's true, it makes me sound wealthy and you sound poor, when the reality is we're both broke.
Jarod KintzI would have fought the forest fire, but it was a dragon-breathing forest fire, and I forgot my sword, my pen, and my Geoffrey of Monmouth tunic.
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