I'm off for two weeks, so until I get back, take the characters in this tweet and parcel them out one per day. Use this Q wisely.
Stephen ColbertIf I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
Stephen ColbertTags: humour wishes pants twitter
After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.
Stephen ColbertTags: humour google twitter hypochondria
Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.
Stephen ColbertTags: humour film twitter backstories sequels
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
Stephen ColbertTags: science sex humour beer alcohol 2012 twitter cannabis non-alcoholic-beverages non-penetrative-sex substance-intoxication
Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.
Stephen ColbertTags: humour 2012 email twitter hacking mitt-romney
NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ
Stephen ColbertTags: politics global-warming humour law north-carolina twitter right-wing-politics climate-change-denial
The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
Stephen ColbertThat’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.
Stephen ColbertTags: humor
Don’t be afraid to be a fool. Remember, you cannot be both young and wise. Young people who pretend to be wise to the ways of the world are mostly just cynics. Cynicism masquerades as wisdom, but it is the farthest thing from it. Because cynics don’t learn anything. Because cynicism is a self-imposed blindness, a rejection of the world because we are afraid it will hurt us or disappoint us. Cynics always say no. But saying yes begins things. Saying yes is how things grow. Saying yes leads to knowledge. “Yes” is for young people. So for as long as you have the strength to, say yes.
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