I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven WrightYou know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...
Steven WrightIf at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Steven WrightIf at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Steven WrightI washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
Steven WrightExperience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Steven WrightI had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
Steven WrightTags: humor
Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em.
Steven WrightTags: humor
I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he's gone.
Steven WrightYou can't have everything ... where would you put it?
Steven WrightTags: humor
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