When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

Steven Wright


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i busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

Steven Wright


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When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?

Steven Wright

Tags: humor firearms



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I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".

Steven Wright


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I went into a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

Steven Wright


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Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

Steven Wright

Tags: humour fishing



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If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?

Steven Wright


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On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Steven Wright


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It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Steven Wright

Tags: humor



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24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

Steven Wright


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