Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: Frequently there must be a beverage.
Woody AllenNot only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Woody AllenPhotons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
Woody AllenTags: humor religion physics attributed
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.
Woody AllenTags: sex
I’m going to kill myself. I should go to Paris and jump off the Eiffel Tower. I’ll be dead. you know, in fact, if I get the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier, which would be perfect. Or wait a minute. It -- with the time change, I could be alive for six hours in New York but dead three hours in Paris. I could get things done, and I could also be dead.
Woody AllenTags: suicide life-and-death time-zones
I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.
Woody AllenTags: absurd
I was the captain of the latent paranoid softball team. We used to play all the neurotics on sunday morning. Nailbiters against the bedwetters, and if you've never seen neurotics play softball, it's really funny.
I used to steal second base, and feel guilty and go back.
Tags: absurd
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody AllenTags: ethics
Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!
Woody AllenTags: life
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree' -- probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
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