I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
Steven WrightBe careful about reading health books. Some fine day you'll die of a misprint.
Markus HerzTags: humor books misattributed-mark-twain health misprints
Mistletoe," said Luna dreamily, pointing at a large clump of white berries placed almost over Harry's head. He jumped out from under it.
"Good thinking," said Luna seriously. "It's often infested with nargles.
I have left orders to be awakened at any time during national emergency, even if I'm in a cabinet meeting.
Ronald ReaganTags: humor politics growing-older napping
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.
Groucho MarxTags: humor
And so the dentist says 'Rinse.' So you lean over, and you're lookin' at this miniature toilet bowl.
Bill CosbyTags: humor
An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it makes a better soup.
H.L. MenckenTags: humor cabbage cooking fragrance idealism metaphors perfume roses similes
This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.
George V. HigginsTags: humor life misattributed-john-wayne
Nobody's ever asked me to a party before, as a friend. Is that why you dyed your eyebrow, for the party? Should I do mine too?
J.K. RowlingIf at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
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