It’s not true I think all politicians are morons. Morons are far too intelligent to be politicians.

Jarod Kintz


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I’d rather coin a few words than coin a few quarters, nickels, or dimes.

Jarod Kintz


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I want to sit on the sofa, eating potato chips, while wearing one of those vibrating ab belts and getting a workout.

Jarod Kintz


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I have two mustaches, one over each eye. They smell like tits and ass, because that’s all I enjoy drinking.

Jarod Kintz


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I want a camera shaped like a jail, so I can capture a ghost on film.

Jarod Kintz


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My information is based on yesterday’s newspaper. But that’s OK, because I’m living in the past. It’s always two days ago to me.

Jarod Kintz


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I didn’t list listening as one of my skills, probably because I didn’t hear what the interviewer asked.

Jarod Kintz


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I want to scrape earwax out of your ears like the last of the chunky peanut butter in a jar. I’d love it if you ate one of my world famous Listening Sandwiches.

Jarod Kintz


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Love is like a cookie. Maybe I should have ordered crackers with my condom soup.

Jarod Kintz


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I’ll tell you love is like a pickle, and then I’ll reach my hand into the jar to grab the last one.

Jarod Kintz


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