I’m stronger than a pack of crackers and a pack of midgets, but not the PAC 12. PAC 11, maybe, but not 12.

Jarod Kintz


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The word ubiquitous is itself ubiquitous in today’s writing.

Jarod Kintz


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I got shingles from my ex girlfriend. But that’s to be expected, since she is a roofer.

Jarod Kintz


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Politicians are people with easy answers for hard problems.

Jarod Kintz


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I make music like I make love—in a group. OK, so I’m not in a band, and I sing alone in the shower.

Jarod Kintz


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I have all the things I need to succeed in life, including a bucket of unicorn urine.

Jarod Kintz


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I live in the armpit of the country. I can tell by how hairy and smelly and hilly it is.

Jarod Kintz


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I have a memory like a baseball glove, so please, don’t toss me a basketball-sized rumination.

Jarod Kintz


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Good things come to those who ate. I’m going to wait to eat. I just got done swallowing my pride, and I’ll be full for the foreseeable future.

Jarod Kintz


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I want to take a sponge bath, but first I need to take that sponge and wash the dishes so I can fit my body in the sink.

Jarod Kintz


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