Don't do it! Stay away from your potential. You'll mess it up, it's potential, leave it. Anyway, it's like your bank balance - you always have a lot less than you think.

Dylan Moran

Tags: humour comedy monster standup



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After Puckoon I swore I'd never write another book. This is it

Spike Milligan

Tags: humour



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Crying is for plain women. Pretty women go shopping.

Oscar Wilde

Tags: beauty humour



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A sharp bolt of hunger hit Luther hard. His knees almost buckled, his poker face almost grimaced. For two weeks now his sense of smell had been much keener, no doubt a side effect of a strict diet. Maybe he got a whiff of Mabel's finest, he wasn't sure, but a craving came over him. Suddenly, he had to have something to eat. Suddenly, he wanted to snatch the bag from Kendall, rip open a package, and start gnawing on a fruitcake.

John Grisham

Tags: humor humour diet fruitcake skipping-christmas



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Lord, my hands were made for blessing, but not my feet!

Giovannino Guareschi

Tags: humour italy catholicism priesthood don-camillo



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Get back in my cot, girl," said Gilsa. "You're sickly."
No, I'm not," said Ani.
Oh, no? Well, maybe stubbornness is a sickness, did you ever think of that?

Shannon Hale

Tags: humour



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I love Sherlock Holmes. I've got all his books, leather-bound. What I thought was great about Sherlock Holmes was that not only was he a supersleuth, he was also a hard worker. Not only did he go out and solve the crimes, he came home and wrote it all down. Fantastic. That's why I admire him.

Steve Coogan

Tags: writing sherlock-holmes humour



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I am who I am and that's who I am

Nikolai Gogol

Tags: reality humour



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She shivered as he left her to go to the fire, and find water and cloths. He leaned into the light, and brightness and shadows moved across his body. He was beautiful. She admired him, and he flashed a grin at her. Almost as beautiful as you are conceited, she thought at him, and he laughed out loud.

Kristin Cashore

Tags: humour



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Cal: “Yesterday I was stuck in a car with you for eight hours.”
Bastard. I didn’t even sing along with the radio. Much.
Me: “Yeah. And?”
Cal: “Something happened.”
Me: “If you’re referring to my driving skills, may I just say I didn’t TOUCH that truck. What you felt was just the wind. We were going pretty fast. And there wasn’t even a scratch. I checked.”
Every Boy's Got One

Meg Cabot

Tags: humour



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