This quote will self-destruct in....4....3....2...1...Just kidding...Or am I?

Craig Benzine

Tag: humor funny youtube youtuber wheezy-waiter wheezywaiter



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Isn’t it funny? You forgive people before they ask forgiveness. Later they expect your apologize.

M.F. Moonzajer

Tag: funny apologize expect



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Isabelle: Do you want some soup?
Jace: No
Isabelle: Do you think Hodge will want some soup?
Jace: No one wants soup
Simon: I want some soup!
Jace: No, you don't. You just want to sleep with Isabelle

Cassandra Clare

Tag: humour funny jace jace-wayland cityofbones jaceishot



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The old agility was still present and the passion was undeniable, but it was the wobbling of the gut, the puffing of the cheeks and the profuse sweating that lent the performance its true magic.

Jamie Holoran

Tag: funny comedy scottish highland-dancing



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Oh! Do you have a pocketknife?"
He narrowed his eyes at me. "Pocketknife?"
"Don't men your age always have pocketknives?" I asked in a high-pitched voice.
"My age? I'm not a fucking grandfather," he snapped.

Jenn Bennett

Tag: funny adorable lon cady



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There was nothing normal about the divine twin sproutings that formed Rachel Melville’s magically springy chest. Almost involuntarily Ronnie found himself nodding like an obedient puppy.

Jamie Holoran

Tag: funny breasts scottish



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Ah bet she’s a dirty wee minx in the scratcher. Y’see that "butter wouldnae melt" expression she’s goat goin on? That’s jist a smokescreen – ah guarantee she goes like a train.’ Jimmy belched, considerately turning his head away to exhale.

Jamie Holoran

Tag: sex funny crude



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And honestly, given the choice of facing my mother or a vampire, I think I'd always choose the latter.

Krystle Jones

Tag: funny vampire moms



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Care to explain?” Ari asked.

“Didn’t you see my signals?”

“Yeah. But they didn’t make sense. Five into one and it’s an intrusion.”

“It’s an illusion! Five of them are an illusion.”

“That’s not the signal for illusion. This is.” Ari demonstrated the proper signal.

“That’s what I did.”

“No, you didn’t. You did a weird twisty thing with your pinky.”

“I had a scimitar at my throat. I’d like to see you try signaling under those conditions.”
-Janco and Ari bickering

Maria V. Snyder

Tag: funny argument funny-humor bickering funny-and-random funny-quotes



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Mr Moss's courtyard is railed in like a cage, lest the gentlemen who are boarding with him should take a fancy to escape from his hospitality.

William Makepeace Thackeray

Tag: humour prison funny debt escape vanity-fair



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